Never too late to talk to kids about sex
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By Kay Luna | Tuesday, January 22, 2008 |
Mary Ann McLeod, of Bethany Children and Family Services, talks to a group of parents about the subject of sex and how to talk with your children about it during a program at Pleasant Valley Junior High School.(John Schultz/Quad-City Times) Buy this Photo
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Parents may always think of their teenage children as their babies, but they really are growing up.
Hormones are surging.
They’re learning about relationships.
And, no matter how much it makes adults squirm, you can bet those teens are thinking about sex. They might even be engaging in sexual activity.
So why not talk to them about it?
Open communication between adults and teens is very important, especially as a proactive approach to preventing teenage sex and pregnancy — or, at least, to delaying it, said Mary Ann McLeod, the community service director at Bethany for Children & Families in Moline.
“Don’t be afraid,” she said. “It’s OK to say you’re embarrassed, because you’re both embarrassed, but it’s never too early — or too late — to start.”
If you don’t know what to say, or how to say it, here’s a resource: The “Know What to Say” program, led by Bethany, the Edgerton Women’s Health Clinic in Davenport and the Scott County Health Department.
For the past two years, facilitators from those organizations have traveled to Quad-City area schools and other locations by request, coaching parents and school staff members on how to talk with teens about sex.
The presentations are free, thanks to a nine-year grant issued by the Iowa Department of Human Services, and parents who have attended say they would recommend the program to others.
“I think the more information you have, the better prepared you are,” said Cherish Stickel, 40, who recently attended one of the sessions at Pleasant Valley Junior High School in LeClaire. “Power is knowledge, I think.”
That need for information is especially great now, in light of recent media attention on teen pregnancy, said Libbet Brooke, one of the program facilitators and the health educator at the Edgerton Clinic in Davenport.
Entertainment news outlets have been all over the story about Britney Spears’ sister, Nickelodeon cable television star Jamie Lynn Spears, getting pregnant at age 16.
At the same time, the new hit movie “Juno” focuses on a 16-year-old girl who gets pregnant and decides to give her child up for adoption.
Meanwhile, a recent People magazine cover story featured several teen parents from around the country.
The attention reflects a new report by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention that shows the first spike in teen pregnancy reported among 15- to 19-year-olds since 1991. The overall birth rate for teens increased 3 percent in 2006 to 41.9 births per 1,000 females in that age bracket, according to the report.
McLeod said she sees younger and younger teens becoming mothers in the Quad-Cities. This year, Bethany already has served four pregnant 13-year-olds, she said.
Brooke said she also saw a blip on the same radar about nine months ago, when her clinic was serving four 13-year-old pregnant girls, too. She was so concerned that she sent a letter to all of the junior high schools in the Quad-City area, telling them of the situation.
Adults can do something to arm their teen children and prevent that from continuing, she said.
“Parents need to realize that if their teens want to have sex, they’re going to have sex,” McLeod said. “But if you talk to them about it, maybe they’ll make more responsible decisions, like using a condom.”
However, communication only works if adults are honest and factual. McLeod and Brooke suggest researching topics such as teen pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases and others before striking up a conversation with teens.
Also, parents should always use the correct biological terminology with their children, from day one, they added.
However, adults need to walk a fine line. Brooke said she sees some parents “encouraging their child to have sex” by saying the wrong thing.
Some well-meaning parents will say, “I don’t want you to have sex, but if you do have sex and get pregnant, I will support you.” To a teenager, that might sound as if you’re saying you would take responsibility for raising and financially supporting the young parent and the baby.
That would not be the best situation for the teenager, who needs to take the lead as a parent if he or she becomes one, Brooke said.
The better thing to say is, “Don’t have sex. Don’t get pregnant. And if you get pregnant, you’ll be the one taking care of it, and going to school, and getting a job to support it, and figuring out child care,” she said.
If a parent agrees to take on too much of the responsibility for a teen parent, then pregnancy and parenthood look a lot easier to the young person, McLeod said.
“They need to raise that baby, not you,” she warns parents.
Another important thing parents can do is model the kind of relationship they want for their children. Teens often wonder, “Why don’t you and Dad show respect to each other?” Brooke said.
Also, as a warning for single parents of teens: Don’t have a “turnstile” in your own bedrooms, McLeod added. Don’t openly have casual sexual relationships in front of your child when you preach against your teen doing that, she said.
Why do teens have sex? Many are motivated by biological urges and low self-esteem, she said.
For some girls, when a guy tells them, “I like you. You’re cute. Let’s have sex,” they only hear, “I like you. You’re cute,” she said.
They want positive attention and think that having sex will make that keep happening, she said.
So, don’t leave your teens alone too often. Pay attention to them before they get in trouble, she added.
And if you are really nervous when it comes to talking about sex with your teen, try bringing up the subject during a car ride. You don’t have to make eye contact, and yet you have a captive audience, Brooke suggested.
“As a parent, be persistent,” she said. “Tell them, ‘I want you to have the right information.’ ”
Kay Luna can be contacted at (563) 383-2323 or kluna@qctimes.com.
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